I told you in my last post that I was really going to get real.
I came across something I had written in 1998. I had just divorced and moved to Pa to live with my father. My boys were so young.... so was I....
I had decided to put my self through college....one of the things that my ex would not allow me to do... it was kind of a I will show you kind of thing....
This was a writing assignment... and when I reread it recently all the emotions came back...
October 5th, 1998
Journey to the Beginning of my Life
The sun was rising The air was crisp and refreshing. I took a deep breath. I could feel my heart flutter. I took one last look at my surroundings. It had been our home for the last ten years. As I began this journey I realized it wasn't just a moving trip to Hilltown, Pennsylvania, it was the beginning of a whole new life.
My sons had fallen asleep. They had spent the whole day before saying goodbye to their father. What an emotional nightmare for a four and six year old to have to go through.
It was an emotional hell I knew to well. Ten years of trying to hold it all together. Ten years of crying deep in my soul. Crying for just one kind word, one that would come from the heart. If only he could love as passionately as he hated. My soul cried desperately for someone to rescue that little girl trapped inside my body.
I did try to understand and made all the excuses in the world for him. He was raised in a communist country. He was taught about religion by underground Catholicism. He saw his family in and out of prison because of their political affiliations. He basically lived a rough life, learning to hate, learning to retaliate. This is why he did what he did...this is why he was always so angry.
Sixty five miles per our did not seem fast enough. The memories came in and out of my head faster than each mile marker went by. the farther away from Montgomery I drove, the more my heart fluttered. I became more and more excited, more exhilarated. All my senses seemed to heighten.
I could suddenly hear the crickets chirping along. I never noticed the crickets...not like this, they were chirping in a steady song as if singing to me...."Don't look back, Don't look back...". The grass glistened in its bath of morning dew. I could see each little rainbow shining from each droplet. The shade of green gave me a sense of new life. A rebirth of the day yet to come. The air smelled like dampened earth. I could feel the warmth of the sun as it slowly rose, showing me the way. I could feel life pouring into me. All my secret wishes and dreams would soon come to life.
He wasn't a complete tyrant. Although his sinister black eyebrows and jet black hair would show signs of unheard tales, there was a good side....one of his many faces. He could be very sweet when he wanted to be. His Latin blood was a very passionate one. That was part of his psychosis. Passion. He loved passionately and hated just as passionately. Even in the end of it all his bitterness proved passionate.
Six hundred more miles to go and I relived in my head the past ten years. I could feel the pain in my temples as the stress began to surface. I began to laugh uncontrollably I felt crazed. The pictures of all the madness of ten years sped through my head....how we met that first night...the roses on my door step...the excruciating pain I felt in my arm as he slammed the car door on it out of rage before the wedding. The joy in his eyes at the Grand Opening of his medical practice. The pain of pure rejection when I was pregnant ...being told I was fat and that he wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. The pain of the first blow. The pain of all the bruises. The pain of a broken heart. So much pain and yet I hung on to the dream of a perfect marriage. I laughed uncontrollably.
The laughter turned into sobs. An overwhelming rush of emotion flowed through my body...fear, sadness, anger, joy, failure...Every neuron tingled. I cried long and hard.
My boys stared at me in complete confusion. They looked frightened. I am not sure at what point they had woken up. I wondered what they were thinking. I wondered if they were thinking of their pains too. The vicious words. The feelings of disappointment The painful kicks to the head, neck and chest. The fear of being locked in a dark room for using the left hand to eat with....the fear of whether or not daddy was coming home soon.
"It's alright guys", I said as I wiped my eyes trying to get hold of myself. "Mommy is just being a silly goose!" How lame. That is what I always said to them when they saw me cry.
"Are y'all hungry?" I tried to divert their attention. "Look guys", I pointed at the golden arches. Shrieks of laughter startled me as the boys became excited. They enjoyed playing at the McDonalds play land. I enjoyed the break.
Back on the road again...the farther north we traveled the colder it got. Our mood seemed to change. We began to think and talk of the future. No longer would I have to be yelled at because I did not cut the onions just right. No longer would I have to be humiliated by being dressed by him or having him apply my makeup. No more being afraid that he would hurt my boys in rage. No more death threats. No more hearing that he was going to kill them first so that I would have pain and then kill me after. I realized we could be safe. We didn't have to live that way anymore. And, although those fears subsided, new fears now began to slowly creep into my head.
I looked in the rear view mirror. My heart leaped. Was that him? Had he followed me all this way? My mind at that point had shifted gears. Shear fright rose through my body. The threats were loud in my head. The knowledge of the private investigators he hired to follow me while we were in hiding. I had to think fast. I could see an exit ahead.
To my disappointment the exit was closed. My heart sank. I looked in the rear view mirror again The maroon 350 SDL was approaching faster and faster. Tears of fear began to well in my eyes. I could only hold my breath. I prayed that my children were low enough in their seats that if he had one of his many guns they wouldn't be hit.
The words came into my head again as if someone had hit me with a sledge hammer. "I will kill you and them, but them first so that you will suffer and then it will be you!" I could hear his accent strongly in my head. It was deafening.
The maroon Mercedes was on my tail now. I had no choices. I pulled into the right hand lane hoping that it would just pass by. As the car came closer I could feel the hair on my ars stand up. A chill of death went trough my body. As the car approached my eyes locked on the driver. All I could see was dark hair. I felt as though my hear would stop. Just then, the person turned and looked at me. SHE had a look of concern on her face. It was a she, not him!!
I was relieved. The woman nodded at me as if to say it will be alright. A sense of satisfaction overcame me. I was on the right track. I was beginning a new life.
Now I live in Hilltown. My boys have adjusted quite nicely. I have gone through a major brain unscrambling and am quite happy. I've decided that no one or thing will get in our way ever again. Now one will ever abuse me or my boys and we will live happily ever after.
Your thoughts are appreciated...and if you have a story...by all means....share...
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